doyle: tardis (Default)
[personal profile] doyle
Title: It's a Jungle Out There
Author: Doyle
Pairing: no pairing. Snyder-centric gen.
Rating: G
Notes: For [livejournal.com profile] seankozma for the Old Skool Ficathon: request was humour and action.

Snyder loved the smell of his empty office in the morning. Smelled like… sanctuary.

Getting away from the poetic touchy-feely crap the English department tried to warp the kids' deviant little minds with, it smelled like percolating coffee and the freshly-sharpened pencils that were lined neatly between his telephone and notepad. He approved.

He poured himself a steaming cup - Janelle had tossed out all the decaf, thank God - and sipped it almost meditatively, settling into his big chair. This was his favourite part of the day. It was tranquil. Ordered.

His school was free of shouting, messy, running, shoving, noisy, bratty, troublemaking children. Call him conservative, but he just thought it would be a better world if children were grown in tanks until they were twenty-one.

The peace didn't last. It never did. The bell jangled, and he could nearly feel them swarming into his hallways. Bragging to each other about what a cool time they'd had and how stoked they'd got at some crack party the night before - a school night! Stashing god only knew what contraband into the lockers that some stupid law said he wasn't allowed to arbitrarily search. Cutting class to get to second base under the bleachers.

Snyder caught himself actually making airquotes as he mouthed the words. He cleared his throat and went to wash out his empty mug.

By the time he got back Janelle had been and gone, leaving only a faint, sickly afterscent of lavender perfume and a tidy pile of files on his desk, the note on top informing him that the janitor hadn't turned up for work. He tsked. That was the third in as many months. There should be some kind of budget allowance for schools directly over Hellmouths. And he wasn't the only one to think so, he knew it. He'd had some bitterly commiserating phone discussions with Principal Buckmeiler in Ohio about the constant extra demands on their time. The insurance claims. The employment forms that had to be filled out in quadruplicate, that extra copy going straight to the Mayor.

His day's paperwork was all in the files. He flipped through the papers, the colour-coded paperclips telling him instantly which were to do with recently ex-students, which were about members of faculty, and which were special business. Those were always flagged in white, and meant Mayor Wilkins had something special that needed done. There were no white clips today, and he laid the others into neat piles. He'd deal with hiring a new janitor first.

But before that, he had to take a walk in his domain.

**

"Spit out that gum. In the trash, Martinez. You! Get that tuba out of the hallway, there are pedestrians coming through here. Mr. Mears, I'm sure you have a hall pass?"

He prowled past music rooms and science labs, master and king of all he surveyed, and by the time he was breathing in the fresh air of the quad (a relief after the stale and sweaty gym) he was both deeply satisfied and working up a good dose of outrage. Most of the students scurried like rodents when they saw him coming, as was his proper due as a high school principal. That was the satisfying part. But the state of the school left much to be desired. There seemed to be plants everywhere out here, obscuring parts of the path, even growing between the cracks in the stairs.

They hadn't been there when he left on Friday afternoon.

He glared around at the plantlife as if he could will it into wilting, and then he turned to go back inside.

Behind him, there was a rustle of leaves. Nonchalantly as he could, he peeked back over his shoulder. Nothing there but a patch of yellow flowers. A moment before, there had only been grass.

Snyder narrowed his eyes.

**

Botany, the resume said. Carlo, their amazing disappearing janitor, had a bachelor's degree in it.

"Plants," Snyder sneered, dropping the file back onto his secretary's desk. "Going to school to learn about plants."

Janelle gave him a nervous smile. She was a plump, fluffy woman who reminded him a lot of his cousin Doris, the social worker.

"He did know a lot about flowers," she said. There was a small, glass vase on her desk, filled with a posy of yellow and pink blooms. She toyed with one of the petals, a wistful note coming into her voice. "He knew all the meanings. These are for a working relationship that possibly grows, over time, to something deeper…"

"Hallmark crap," he said, completely failing to notice the meaningful way she'd been staring up at him, or how she sagged in disappointment. "He's done something. That tree-hugging plantnik's turning my high school into a greenhouse."

"Maybe you should ask that nice librarian what he thinks," Janelle suggested, picking up her pen and tidying the papers she'd been working on. Her tone was noticeably cooler than only moments before. Women, he thought. They were such inexplicable creatures. But the insinuation that he might need help from Rupert Giles wounded him.

"This is my school," he said, tapping his chest for emphasis. "I'll deal with any problems here." Cue his exit, except he got ten feet from the office and thought of something else. "We don't need the English," he told her, poking his head back through the door. "We said sayonara to the limeys in 1773, Janelle. You think about that."

**

The basement was strictly off-limits to students, so he wasn't at all surprised that the textbook he found, spine cracked and pages face down on the ground, had Buffy Summers' name on the inside. He tucked it into his pocket and shone the flashlight a little higher. The regular lights didn't seem to work down here. Maybe if Carlo spent a little more time worrying about those kinds of bulbs…

The beam fell on something orange. He walked over, realizing when his feet started to crunch what he was standing on. Terracotta plant pots, all smashed.

He looked around, expecting to see some kind of artificial lighting set-up (running from the school's electricity supply, of course, was there anyone not out to leech him dry?) but there was no machinery. Not even any dead plants. Just the pots, and dark brown soil.

Something creaked, off in the corner, and he swung the light around. There was nothing there, but he'd really seen enough. He'd just go back up to the school, maybe stop by the library to return Summers' book…

He'd carried out the first part of his plan when a tide of children surged down the hallway at him.

It was like something from a deep, dark nightmare.

"Stop right this second!" he roared over the tumult of voices, and when that didn't get him any less trampled he shoved his way through the crowd and singled one of them out. "You! Tucker Wells."

The boy stopped, glancing uncertainly around. "That's my brother, sir, I'm Andrew, I'm a junior?"

"Whatever." He made it through the throng, tugging the Wells boy by the arm. They ended up relatively unscathed on the other side, but had to flatten against the wall of the chemistry lab till the stampede was past. "What's happening? Gangs? Drugs?"

Wells' eyes widened. "Um. Well… we were playing dodgeball, and my team was getting their asses kicked…"

Without actually threatening the child - damn bleeding heart liberals had made that illegal - he tried to give the impression that he could do some ass-kicking himself if a point wasn't reached soon.

"And then the gym went Jumanji," he finished quickly.

Hmm. Obviously some new hip street lingo.

"Something happened with plants," he guessed.

The boy nodded enthusiastically. "A tree exploded right through the floor, like, right where Coach was standing. It was cool." He frowned. "And then some of the seniors ran in. And the librarian, and some other guy in a suit who I think might be another librarian. And a blonde girl told us we should run."

"Buffy Summers," he said grimly.

"I don't know her name. She had shiny hair."

"Get to your next class," he ordered. "Everything's under control."

Wells scampered gratefully away.

Snyder turned towards the closed doors of the gym, squaring his shoulders. The floor was vibrating beneath his feet. There was a tree in his gymnasium. He didn't want a tree in his school's gym. The health and safety regulations were almost definitely against it.

He was going to take this thing down.

**

Janelle brought him a cup of milky coffee and he drained it in a gulp. It was decaf, but he didn't complain. He was shaking enough already.

"Are you sure you're all right?" the English guy - the one who wasn't Giles - asked.

His head beginning to clear a little, Snyder looked him up and down. He looked like Giles; a younger, darker-haired version of Giles, yes, but he had the glasses and the stiff upper Britishness. He sounded like Giles. But he wasn't Giles.

"I don't remember hiring you," he said.

"Mr. Wyndam-Pryce is a… colleague of mine. From England," the real Giles said.

Snyder was pulled together enough to spot the telltale pause, and the warning look Giles shot the other man. So, that was it? Not that he hadn't suspected. The English thing, that was the giveaway. For shame, he thought, the sudden annoyance making him feel better than a hundred cups of coffee could. Not that he was prejudiced. He was as open-minded as the next red-blooded American male, but for Giles to sneak his… his special friend into his workplace while the children were there…

"I don't want you in my school again," he told Wyndam-Pryce, and was deeply confused when Giles smirked, covering it quickly.

"Mr. Snyder, I really must…"

"I'm sure this can be dealt with later," Giles said.

"Wesley's on suspension and I found my Math book," Buffy said, sweeping it off the floor. "Nifty."

The book must have dropped while that thing was tossing him in the air like a majorette's baton. Snyder glared at her from above his cup. Somehow, some way, this was all her fault.

"Get this mess cleaned up," he snapped, rising from the bench, the emergency blanket that someone - Janelle? - had draped around him falling to the floor. His secretary picked it up and folded it over her arm as she trotted after him.

"Mr. Snyder, are you really all right? Maybe Mr. Giles's friend was right about taking you to the hospital."

"I'm fine," he said impatiently. He hated people making a fuss. "Everyone in detention today can spend the hour getting those dead weeds out of the gym."

"Yes, Mr. Snyder."

"And put Summers, Harris and Rosenberg on the detention list."

"Yes, Mr. Snyder."

He paused at the doorway of his office, remembering his predecessor. Eaten at his own desk. He'd come close to a similar fate today. He could still feel the thick vines wrapped around him, tugging him towards that gaping green maw.

Why him? He wasn't even a vegetarian.

He took in a deep, deep breath, and released it. The worst thing to do would be to make a big thing about this. It was a hazard of the job, that was all, like having his car TPed, or exorcising his office every third Tuesday just in case there were any evil spirits around.

"Nothing," he said decisively, "is going to eat me."

"Yes, Mr. Snyder," Janelle said, a bit uncertainly.

The flowers were still in the vase on her desk. He thought about ripping them out, tossing them to the ground, and jumping on them. He should. They were just puny, insignificant flowers.

He offered them a weak, insincere smile and bolted into the safety of his office.

on 2004-05-25 06:44 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] annakovsky.livejournal.com
Oh! I love you! I love your Snyder. This just rocked so, so hard.

"I don't know her name. She had shiny hair."

Hee! Yay for Andrew.

He was as open-minded as the next red-blooded American male, but for Giles to sneak his… his special friend into his workplace while the children were there…

Hee! again.

I'm a sucker for Sunnydale High seen from the perspective of non-Scoobies, and this is so, so awesome. LOVE!

on 2004-05-25 06:47 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] doyle_sb4.livejournal.com
Hee, thank you! I've never attempted writing Snyder, so this was fun.

on 2004-05-25 07:00 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] swmbo.livejournal.com
he was both deeply satisfied and working up a good dose of outrage.

Hee!

And oh, god, Snyder! *overcome with joy* I love it! I love the janitor-botanist and the nightmarish wave of children down the hall and the snyderishness of this fic. Wee! And Doris as his cousin and Janelle with a crush on him *hopeless giggles*

Wee! LOVE it.

on 2004-05-25 07:17 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] teleute12.livejournal.com
Hah! Oh, that's just fantastic, and utterly Snyder. I love him assuming that Giles and Wesley are lovers.

on 2004-05-25 07:40 pm (UTC)
ghost_lingering: a pie is about to hit the ground (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] ghost_lingering
This is insane. I absolutely love it. Firstly because it's so completely Synder: sarcastic and thinks he's in control and hasn't a clue. Secondly: Snyder thinks that Wesley and Giles are a couple?!?! And no one knowing who Andrew is, except through his brother. And Synder saying he won't get eaten. And...

This is absolutely hilarous and the premise is very much like how an actual episode could have been.

on 2004-05-25 07:48 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] janedavitt.livejournal.com
Perfect, perfect Snyder and a hilarious take on them as seen from his perspective. I loved this so much...

He sounded like Giles. But he wasn't Giles.

S3 Wes summed up so succinctly...

on 2004-05-25 08:54 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] pineapplebob.livejournal.com
Doris! Ohio! I love you.

on 2004-05-25 10:30 pm (UTC)
ext_52017: (Default)
Posted by [identity profile] janeway216.livejournal.com
that tree-hugging plantnik

Best Snyder insult ever. Well, okay, second-best. Actually I think "pathetic little no-life vegan" wins.

on 2004-05-25 11:21 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_divya_/
Hee! I love Snyder's logic about everything. I was very fond of him while he was around because he got great lines and you've totally done him justice. But I have one question:

"We said sayonara to the limeys in 1773, Janelle. You think about that."

Is this a joke that I'm not getting? Because I don't want to seem...whatever it is that I would seem (pedantic? boring? overly serious?) if you were making a joke and I told you that actually, we declared independence from the limeys the British in 1776, but that's only if you believe our rewritten history of a war we won. The actual war went on until 1780-something. I forget. But off the top of my head, I don't know that anything significant happened in 1773. ???

on 2004-05-26 04:58 am (UTC)
ext_6517: (Default)
Posted by [identity profile] jedi-penguin.livejournal.com
Hee! And I was going to quote that line as Snyder to a tee: so certain of himself and yet so, so wrong. The idea of a high school principal who doesn't even know the most basic fact about American history amuses the hell out of me.

Actually, this entire fic amused the hell out of me. I loved it! It sounds so much like Snyder that it's scary. It also had the feel of a real BtVS episode. Very very well done.

on 2004-05-26 11:19 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_divya_/
Hee! I know, I thought maybe Snyder gets stuff wrong, like that's a personality trait of his or something? Hence my own uncertainty. But did you see my comment below, re the Boston Tea Party? I mean, sure it was a significant event, but not really a date that everyone knows. So I'm still on the fence as to what Doyle meant by it.

:::wonders, geekily:::

on 2004-05-27 04:50 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] doyle_sb4.livejournal.com
Afraid jedi_penguin's right, Snyder was just getting the date wrong... but I love that the Boston tea party was that year, that's a nice piece of serendipity *g*

on 2004-05-27 10:19 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_divya_/
Yay! I've achieved pedantry!

:::jumps up and down with glee:::

*g*

on 2004-05-27 10:26 am (UTC)

on 2004-05-26 12:00 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_divya_/
Ah ha ha! I looked it up. Boston Tea Party, 1773. I'm from Boston. Not like you'd notice. :::facepalms:::

on 2004-05-26 11:56 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] nikitangel.livejournal.com
HEE! Loved this to bits. So perfectly Snyder.

My favorite gems:

Snyder caught himself actually making airquotes as he mouthed the words. - Oh, I could actually see him doing this!

Cue his exit, except he got ten feet from the office and thought of something else. "We don't need the English," he told her, poking his head back through the door. "We said sayonara to the limeys in 1773, Janelle. You think about that." Bwah! Love that last dig - very Snyder.

She had shiny hair Hee.

The health and safety regulations were almost definitely against it. Almost definitely!

So, that was it? Not that he hadn't suspected. The English thing, that was the giveaway. - Aw, and here I thought his annoyance mean a little something else ;-)

"Wesley's on suspension and I found my Math book," Buffy said, sweeping it off the floor. "Nifty." - For some reason, this struck me as so completely Buffy-3rd-Season. I can't pinpoint what exactly, but way to capture her voice!

on 2004-05-27 05:13 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] doyle_sb4.livejournal.com
Thank you! *g*

on 2004-05-26 08:09 pm (UTC)
ext_8678: thumbs up, bleakly (Default)
Posted by [identity profile] droneish.livejournal.com
Great fun! My favourite line - epitomizing Snyder perfectly - For shame, he thought, the sudden annoyance making him feel better than a hundred cups of coffee could. Hee.

on 2004-05-31 03:35 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] elenabtvs.livejournal.com
I was going to mention my favourite lines, but there's probably a restriction on comment size.

Suffice it to say that was perfect Snyder, and every thought in his head and every word from his lips was dead on.

Andrew was utterly perfect - a cameo that once and for all defines everything about him. (from being confused with his brother to 'Jumanji' to 'shiny hair' to thinking the plants were cool)

And, dear god, I have a sudden massive need to be privy a conversation between Snyder and his Cleveland counterpart Buckmeiler.

I blame you. Thanks.

on 2004-05-31 07:15 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] doyle_sb4.livejournal.com
Hee! Thanks for reading it, so pleased you liked it :)

on 2004-06-03 01:10 am (UTC)
minim_calibre: (Default)
Posted by [personal profile] minim_calibre
Bwahahaha! Creepy Snyder goodness!

on 2004-06-03 04:33 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] sparkysparky.livejournal.com
"Stashing god only knew what contraband into the lockers that some stupid law said he wasn't allowed to arbitrarily search."
~And right they are. Who knows what Snyder would do with the vibrators and drugs and whores he is bound to find in those damn lockers.

"She was a plump, fluffy woman"
~Just how does one get fluffy anyway? I would LOVE to know!

The boy stopped, glancing uncertainly around. "That's my brother, sir, I'm Andrew, I'm a junior?"
~ANDREW! SQUEE!!!!!!!!!

"And then the gym went Jumanji," he finished quickly."
~Ah, gotta love the nerdiness that Andrew can't hide even when scared out of his ever-lovin' mind.

"Hmm. Obviously some new hip street lingo."
~Of course. I go Jumanji all the time, don't you?

"Nothing," he said decisively, "is going to eat me."
~Not yet anyway. Scared of Snakes, Snyder? You should be.


Ok, a week ago, I would have been like, "What crack is she smoking and where can I get some" but after watching S2 and part of S3, I can proudly say, "I found the crack and ahve been inhaling it non-stop." Gotta love Snyder. he's so repulsive, yet entertaining. And I am a sick sick bastard.

on 2004-06-04 06:50 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] doyle_sb4.livejournal.com
Bwah! Snyder's the man. And he should find whores in the lockers. Yes, he should.

on 2004-06-04 10:51 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] sparkysparky.livejournal.com
just what would snyder get up to with whores? and vibrators? hmm...

on 2004-06-12 11:56 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] dodyskin.livejournal.com
I approve.

Good stuff, great charcterisation as always.

on 2004-07-04 01:39 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] seankozma.livejournal.com
First, my deepest apologies for taking over a month to give you feedback.

Second, GREAT STUFF!!! Absolutely hilarious.

He'd had some bitterly commiserating phone discussions with Principal Buckmeiler in Ohio about the constant extra demands on their time.

Priceless. Very Jane. And I always love references to the hellmouth in Cleveland.

"You! Tucker Wells."

The boy stopped, glancing uncertainly around. "That's my brother, sir, I'm Andrew, I'm a junior?"

YES!!!!!!! LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!

"I don't remember hiring you," he said.

"Nothing," he said decisively, "is going to eat me."

Both of those lines absolutely slayed me.

Excellent work. Snyder was spot on. Thanks so much.

on 2004-07-04 04:58 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] doyle_sb4.livejournal.com
Hey, thanks! Really happy you liked it, I love an assignment that lets me write Snyder *g*

Ha!

on 2005-04-15 01:32 am (UTC)
ext_26628: Kiva Rose (Default)
Posted by [identity profile] angel-negra.livejournal.com
Dude, you made me like Snyder. I'm impressed. And, I'm wondering. I run this action/plot based (http://www.redkrowe.com/~poa/) archive. Could I archive your Snyder fic there? Please?

Re: Ha!

on 2005-04-15 01:34 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] doyle_sb4.livejournal.com
Thank you, and please do!
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