Well, you asked for it...
Jul. 11th, 2003 12:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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thefirstevil takes over Buffy's job as guidance counsellor. Chronologically this happens right before Storyteller.
--
Have found myself inexplicably Harbinger-free. This is unacceptable. Being incorporeal is only fun when one has many corporeal minions to kill potential Slayers, pick up laundry etc.
Later
Make that one Harbinger remaining. Caught him as he was sneaking out of the basement, rucksack in hand. This may have something to do with that "Come to LA: Cordelia Chase up for anything!" email I caught them reading. Curse that Beast.
The Slayer hasn't turned up for work - probably taking pet vampire to the vet, mini-Slayers to Disneyland or similar.
It occurs that this is a prime opportunity to recruit some new Harbingers. School is full of angsty teens who would love to be part of dynamic cult of the future. Also, posing as guidance counsellor surely a breeze? Drugs are bad, calcium good, blah blah empathycakes.
Transcript recorded Monday, March 3rd, beginning 9:17am. Harbinger #736 recording.
FIRST EVIL, MOST BEAUTEOUS AND NOBLE MASTER OF ALL EVIL IN THE UNIVERSE
And I want an exact record of this. I've heard about these California kids and their lawsuits. You don't have to write down this part. Stop it. Stop writing it down. STOP...
FIRST EVIL, MOST BEAUTEOUS AND NOBLE MASTER OF ALL EVIL IN THE UNIVERSE
And stop calling me that or I'll shove the pencil deeper this time. Don't write anything else down until we're in the office. (unintelligible, but sounds like complaint on quality of Bringer stenography)
ANNOYING FEMALE STUDENT
Uh, hi. Mr. Roberts said to come talk to you...
FIRST EVIL
Sit down. My assistant's going to be taking notes. He's a grad student. Or something.
ANNOYING FEMALE STUDENT
Ms. Summers? That guy doesn't have any eyes.
FIRST EVIL
This school's equality programme really is outstanding.
ANNOYING AND DISCRIMINATORY FEMALE STUDENT WHO WILL DIE OLD AND ALONE AND SURROUNDED BY CATS
I... guess that's okay.
FIRST EVIL
So. You have a problem. Requiring guidance of some sort, no doubt.
AFS
It's not really anything. I guess my grades have been slipping lately. And I'm missing some classes. Also, I might have told Mr. Roberts to go [expletive deleted] himself.
FIRST EVIL
So, really, you're wasting my time. Take a hike, little girl. Come back when you've gotten pregnant by a junkie biker or set your little brother on fire or something. [expletive deleted]-ing amateurs.
Annoying girl looks puzzled. Doesn't improve general look of her face, which is unattractive bordering on reptilian. She leaves. Hopefully falls down deep hole outside.
FIRST EVIL
You don't know what she looks like, you can't see anything! Are you editorialising this? Look, don't shake your head at me, bucko, I could crush you like a.... Oh, just go to the store. I've got a foolproof plan to entice the boys of this school into being my new Bringers.
Later, after exciting and perilous (but sadly irrelevant) trip to local store (with brief stopover for coffee - why does this town have only one Starbucks? Why?)
JOCK
(bored)
So I'm s'posed to talk to you about my grades.
FIRST EVIL
Wellllll. Hello there. What's your name?
JOCK
(probably too overexerted by this difficult question - in my day Harbingers had to have something in the brains department, but it's not for me to say so)
Chris.
FIRST EVIL
Hmm, you look strong. Take off your shirt.
JOCK
Uh... what?
FIRST EVIL
C'mon, we're all pals here. I'll take off mine.
Jock (probably football player - sounds too built for track) strips to waist in approx 0.75 seconds. Clearly exerted: breathing too quickly.
FIRST EVIL
Yeah, you'll do. How would you feel about bleeding onto a manhole cover in the basement and becoming a minion of ultimate evil?
JOCK
What?! I don't...
The First Evil opens its blouse. Actually the Slayer's blouse. As eyeless minion, do not have the honor of witnessing this, but Brainless McJocky sounds v. impressed.
JOCK
Baby, I'm there!
FIRST EVIL
Good boy. I'll see you after school. Who's next?
ANNOYING FEMALE STUDENT #2
Wood says I have to see you about drinking under the bleachers. Hey, your assistant's kinda cute. Cool eye makeup, guy.
FIRST EVIL
He's irritating and irrelevant. Let's talk about you. Any history of evil behaviour, violence, urge to apply for American Idol, that kind of thing?
BEAUTIFUL AND INTELLIGENT GODDESS
Yeah, I done some stuff. Heard about you. You really burn down the gym at your old high school?
FIRST EVIL
The Slayer did that? Really? I mean... sure. Sometimes I'm cooler than I think.
BEAUTIFUL AND INTELLIGENT GODDESS
Okaaay. So. Just tell me drinking's bad and I'll be on my way.
FIRST EVIL
Off you go. Number sev... uh, Dave here has a wide selection of cigarettes and hard liquor for you to choose from.
Startled silence. Perhaps she's stunned by my mere physical presence?
FIRST EVIL
Personally I recommend the Camels. Mmm, they're tar-licious.
BEAUTIFUL AND INTELLIGENT GODDESS
You are whacked out. Dude, this is the coolest punishment ever.
FIRST EVIL
Back atcha. And hey, if you're passing by the basement, it's the place to score the cool stuff. You might want to bleed on any seal-type things you see down there. Uh, that's the big-plug-in-the-ground type of seal, not the aquatic mammal.
BEAUTIFUL AND INTELLIGENT GODDESS
(to me, me, me, in low, sultry, delicate tones)
I'll take the single malt. Later, cutie.
FIRST EVIL
Next!
NERDISH LITTLE FREAK
Hi, Miss Summers.
FIRST EVIL
No way. Not taking on another Andrew.
NERDISH LITTLE FREAK
I just - I thought I should come see you. You were so nice last week, and now I have even more homework and it's getting on top of me and...
FIRST EVIL
Hmm, that is a worry. All that work. I mean, everyone keeps telling you these are the happiest days of your life, but in reality it's just one assignment on top of another. And you have to get good grades, or no college will accept you and you'll end up drinking meths on a street corner. I'll bet your head could just explode from all that pressure. Just literally explode, like a big ol' melon being hit with a hammer.
NERDISH LITTLE FREAK
(very small voice. Wuss.)
Explode?
FIRST EVIL
And there'd just be brains-a-popping out all over. Well, I'm glad we had this talk. Next!
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Buffy? Your sister said you were still sick.
FIRST EVIL
Yeah, but what does she know.
MOST WOULDN'T, BUT PRINCIPAL WOOD
Well, it's good to have you back.
FIRST EVIL
I'm thrilled. Ooh, are these guys here for me?
PRINCIPAL "HELP, PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF MY NAME" WOOD
Yeah. Caught 'em spraypainting "Cheerleaders suck" on the lockers. The students have been really unsettled today. Maybe I could talk to you about that? In my office?
FIRST EVIL
I'll count the microseconds.
Principal leaves. Good; have run out of jokes.
FIRST EVIL
You know, boys, I used to be a cheerleader. Grab a skin mag from my assistant and head to the basement. Chris'll tell you what to do.
Randy teenagers make fastest exit in entire history of fast exits, but not before rifling through all the magazines to find the best one. Had the foresight to hide my Braille copy under the desk.
FIRST EVIL
Well, I think our work here is done. Come on, back to the Seal, before the Slayer's pals work out all they have to do is drag Andrew down there and wave an onion under his nose. You can stop writing things down now. No, really, stop it. Give me that damn penc--------
End transcript
ETA: as I've said in the comments, I didn't realise until posting that the drinking-under-bleachers-flirting-with-Harbingers student isanniesj...
thefirstevil takes over Buffy's job as guidance counsellor. Chronologically this happens right before Storyteller.--
Have found myself inexplicably Harbinger-free. This is unacceptable. Being incorporeal is only fun when one has many corporeal minions to kill potential Slayers, pick up laundry etc.
Later
Make that one Harbinger remaining. Caught him as he was sneaking out of the basement, rucksack in hand. This may have something to do with that "Come to LA: Cordelia Chase up for anything!" email I caught them reading. Curse that Beast.
The Slayer hasn't turned up for work - probably taking pet vampire to the vet, mini-Slayers to Disneyland or similar.
It occurs that this is a prime opportunity to recruit some new Harbingers. School is full of angsty teens who would love to be part of dynamic cult of the future. Also, posing as guidance counsellor surely a breeze? Drugs are bad, calcium good, blah blah empathycakes.
Transcript recorded Monday, March 3rd, beginning 9:17am. Harbinger #736 recording.
FIRST EVIL, MOST BEAUTEOUS AND NOBLE MASTER OF ALL EVIL IN THE UNIVERSE
And I want an exact record of this. I've heard about these California kids and their lawsuits. You don't have to write down this part. Stop it. Stop writing it down. STOP...
FIRST EVIL, MOST BEAUTEOUS AND NOBLE MASTER OF ALL EVIL IN THE UNIVERSE
And stop calling me that or I'll shove the pencil deeper this time. Don't write anything else down until we're in the office. (unintelligible, but sounds like complaint on quality of Bringer stenography)
ANNOYING FEMALE STUDENT
Uh, hi. Mr. Roberts said to come talk to you...
FIRST EVIL
Sit down. My assistant's going to be taking notes. He's a grad student. Or something.
ANNOYING FEMALE STUDENT
Ms. Summers? That guy doesn't have any eyes.
FIRST EVIL
This school's equality programme really is outstanding.
ANNOYING AND DISCRIMINATORY FEMALE STUDENT WHO WILL DIE OLD AND ALONE AND SURROUNDED BY CATS
I... guess that's okay.
FIRST EVIL
So. You have a problem. Requiring guidance of some sort, no doubt.
AFS
It's not really anything. I guess my grades have been slipping lately. And I'm missing some classes. Also, I might have told Mr. Roberts to go [expletive deleted] himself.
FIRST EVIL
So, really, you're wasting my time. Take a hike, little girl. Come back when you've gotten pregnant by a junkie biker or set your little brother on fire or something. [expletive deleted]-ing amateurs.
Annoying girl looks puzzled. Doesn't improve general look of her face, which is unattractive bordering on reptilian. She leaves. Hopefully falls down deep hole outside.
FIRST EVIL
You don't know what she looks like, you can't see anything! Are you editorialising this? Look, don't shake your head at me, bucko, I could crush you like a.... Oh, just go to the store. I've got a foolproof plan to entice the boys of this school into being my new Bringers.
Later, after exciting and perilous (but sadly irrelevant) trip to local store (with brief stopover for coffee - why does this town have only one Starbucks? Why?)
JOCK
(bored)
So I'm s'posed to talk to you about my grades.
FIRST EVIL
Wellllll. Hello there. What's your name?
JOCK
(probably too overexerted by this difficult question - in my day Harbingers had to have something in the brains department, but it's not for me to say so)
Chris.
FIRST EVIL
Hmm, you look strong. Take off your shirt.
JOCK
Uh... what?
FIRST EVIL
C'mon, we're all pals here. I'll take off mine.
Jock (probably football player - sounds too built for track) strips to waist in approx 0.75 seconds. Clearly exerted: breathing too quickly.
FIRST EVIL
Yeah, you'll do. How would you feel about bleeding onto a manhole cover in the basement and becoming a minion of ultimate evil?
JOCK
What?! I don't...
The First Evil opens its blouse. Actually the Slayer's blouse. As eyeless minion, do not have the honor of witnessing this, but Brainless McJocky sounds v. impressed.
JOCK
Baby, I'm there!
FIRST EVIL
Good boy. I'll see you after school. Who's next?
ANNOYING FEMALE STUDENT #2
Wood says I have to see you about drinking under the bleachers. Hey, your assistant's kinda cute. Cool eye makeup, guy.
FIRST EVIL
He's irritating and irrelevant. Let's talk about you. Any history of evil behaviour, violence, urge to apply for American Idol, that kind of thing?
BEAUTIFUL AND INTELLIGENT GODDESS
Yeah, I done some stuff. Heard about you. You really burn down the gym at your old high school?
FIRST EVIL
The Slayer did that? Really? I mean... sure. Sometimes I'm cooler than I think.
BEAUTIFUL AND INTELLIGENT GODDESS
Okaaay. So. Just tell me drinking's bad and I'll be on my way.
FIRST EVIL
Off you go. Number sev... uh, Dave here has a wide selection of cigarettes and hard liquor for you to choose from.
Startled silence. Perhaps she's stunned by my mere physical presence?
FIRST EVIL
Personally I recommend the Camels. Mmm, they're tar-licious.
BEAUTIFUL AND INTELLIGENT GODDESS
You are whacked out. Dude, this is the coolest punishment ever.
FIRST EVIL
Back atcha. And hey, if you're passing by the basement, it's the place to score the cool stuff. You might want to bleed on any seal-type things you see down there. Uh, that's the big-plug-in-the-ground type of seal, not the aquatic mammal.
BEAUTIFUL AND INTELLIGENT GODDESS
(to me, me, me, in low, sultry, delicate tones)
I'll take the single malt. Later, cutie.
FIRST EVIL
Next!
NERDISH LITTLE FREAK
Hi, Miss Summers.
FIRST EVIL
No way. Not taking on another Andrew.
NERDISH LITTLE FREAK
I just - I thought I should come see you. You were so nice last week, and now I have even more homework and it's getting on top of me and...
FIRST EVIL
Hmm, that is a worry. All that work. I mean, everyone keeps telling you these are the happiest days of your life, but in reality it's just one assignment on top of another. And you have to get good grades, or no college will accept you and you'll end up drinking meths on a street corner. I'll bet your head could just explode from all that pressure. Just literally explode, like a big ol' melon being hit with a hammer.
NERDISH LITTLE FREAK
(very small voice. Wuss.)
Explode?
FIRST EVIL
And there'd just be brains-a-popping out all over. Well, I'm glad we had this talk. Next!
PRINCIPAL WOOD
Buffy? Your sister said you were still sick.
FIRST EVIL
Yeah, but what does she know.
MOST WOULDN'T, BUT PRINCIPAL WOOD
Well, it's good to have you back.
FIRST EVIL
I'm thrilled. Ooh, are these guys here for me?
PRINCIPAL "HELP, PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF MY NAME" WOOD
Yeah. Caught 'em spraypainting "Cheerleaders suck" on the lockers. The students have been really unsettled today. Maybe I could talk to you about that? In my office?
FIRST EVIL
I'll count the microseconds.
Principal leaves. Good; have run out of jokes.
FIRST EVIL
You know, boys, I used to be a cheerleader. Grab a skin mag from my assistant and head to the basement. Chris'll tell you what to do.
Randy teenagers make fastest exit in entire history of fast exits, but not before rifling through all the magazines to find the best one. Had the foresight to hide my Braille copy under the desk.
FIRST EVIL
Well, I think our work here is done. Come on, back to the Seal, before the Slayer's pals work out all they have to do is drag Andrew down there and wave an onion under his nose. You can stop writing things down now. No, really, stop it. Give me that damn penc--------
End transcript
ETA: as I've said in the comments, I didn't realise until posting that the drinking-under-bleachers-flirting-with-Harbingers student is
anniesj...
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2003-07-10 04:52 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-10 04:54 pm (UTC)You are truly a mad genius.
no subject
on 2003-07-10 05:06 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-10 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-10 05:14 pm (UTC)Thank you so much for this. I can only second the comments above: You're a genius.
The bad substitute
on 2003-07-10 05:22 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-10 05:32 pm (UTC)Back atcha. And hey, if you're passing by the basement, it's the place to score the cool stuff. You might want to bleed on any seal-type things you see down there. Uh, that's the big-plug-in-the-ground type of seal, not the aquatic mammal.
You rock. Excessively hard.
no subject
on 2003-07-10 05:35 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-10 05:44 pm (UTC)You are whacked out. Dude, this is the coolest punishment ever.
::dies laughing::
Dude!
no subject
on 2003-07-10 05:52 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-10 06:46 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-10 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-10 08:33 pm (UTC)Ohhhh, wait. I forgot. No eyes, couldn't read the phone number. My bad, yo.
(PS -- You kick ASS.)
no subject
on 2003-07-10 11:04 pm (UTC)Yo dude. Yo.
no subject
on 2003-07-11 12:31 am (UTC)The First Evil is now officially my favorite fanfic character ever.
no subject
on 2003-07-11 01:00 am (UTC)This is so funny :)
The scary thing is, at boarding school, we had a houseparent who was just like that. Loved the evil malicious kids, hated the neurotic stressed ones, shared his beer with the seniors, and slept with the prefects.
no subject
on 2003-07-11 05:02 am (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-11 08:32 am (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-11 12:21 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2003-07-15 08:02 am (UTC)Thanks for that. I needed it. The pain from laughing has superceded the pain from my stupid cramps.
no subject
on 2004-06-27 11:47 am (UTC)no subject
on 2004-10-27 01:54 am (UTC)*adds to memories*
no subject
on 2004-10-27 02:02 am (UTC)