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doyleI'm so relieved this is done. Basically, this is a standalone fic that would be a part 1 if I hadn't left it so damn late to write the thing. It may or may not become a series, or at least spawn a sequel.
Title: Zen and the Art of Joe McMeaty's
Author: Doyle
Pairing: Riley/Xander
Rating: PG * hangs head in shame *
Notes: For![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
zortified for the Choose Your Author ficathon. Season 4, AU after Doomed. Comedy, pretty much. ETA: Kevin has reminded me that I subconsciously stole the name of the burger bar from Invader Zim. Therefore I'll claim it's an homage.
There was an art to creating the perfect - or at least edible - Joe McMeaty's double cheeseburger. He'd been an employee two whole weeks, more than enough time to figure how to best enjoy his one free meal per shift. As he slid into the plastic chair opposite Riley, Xander was already ripping open four packets of ketchup with his teeth and separating the meat from the buns. Who said guys couldn't multitask? People who hadn't seen Xander Harris eat, that was who.
"It's not just lunch, it's a slow, horrible death by cholesterol poisoning," he said, squeezing the final trace of ketchup onto the top burger.
Riley's own food - cheeseburger, regular fries and a Mocha McMeaty shake - was still mostly untouched on his tray. It had been pushed around, maybe a couple of fries eaten, but Xander predicted a 'so, you gonna eat that?' in his near future. Riley himself was staring at the Double Burger of Death. "Does it taste… better, like that?"
He took a huge bite and chewed it thoughtfully. "It's all relative. It tastes better than, say, eating one of my shoes, but worse than anything that's actual food."
"Still better than McDonald's," Riley said, adventurously eating another French fry.
Another two bites and Xander's lunch was gone. Now he had no reason, he suddenly realized, to be sitting with his best friend's ex. He flailed. Every conversation opener he could think of, from "so how 'bout them Mets?" to "so I hear you're a secret commando guy, I was kind of in the army one time" kept metamorphosing in his brain to "so Buffy broke up with you, huh? Guess you've been eating here every day this week because you love guys in stripy red polyester. And not because you're hoping she'll visit me at work or anything."
He finally said, "I knew campus food was bad, but when you have to come here…"
Riley's sheepish grin was as depressingly perfect as expected. Straight, gleaming teeth, aw-shucks tilt of his head. "I may have been hoping I'd run into Buffy," he said.
"As opposed to trying to run into her at college," Xander said. "You're right, that could look obvious."
"Absolutely. Not to mention sad and dependent. On that note, I absolutely didn't think that since you're her friend, maybe I could pump you for intel."
"I bet you say that to all the guys who sell you food. You gonna eat that?"
Riley pushed the tray to his side of the table. "Go ahead. I filled up on biological hazards at the dorm."
One advantage of this stuff over real food - it didn't taste much worse cold.
"I've passed this place a bunch of times," Riley said. "From the name, I just always assumed it was a gay porn store."
"Ah, you saw through our cunning front. Videos are in the back, magazines under the counter, and if you slip me a couple of twenties there's a guy called Sven who can repair your TV, deliver your pizza and check your pipes for one low, low price."
"That's quality service."
"The actual gay porno store's the other side of town, just behind the Bronze." The single surviving French fry paused on its mouthward trajectory. "Uh. I've heard."
Riley cleared his throat. "The Bronze. That's a club, right?"
"Yes," he said. Safe subject. "The Bronze club. Club of Bronze things. We've been hanging out there since high school." Ah, nostalgia. Cheating off of Will's homework, meeting Cordelia in the janitor's closet, regular run-ins with the monster of the week. Good times. Funny how much smaller the town had seemed back then. "Hey, we're Bronzing tonight," he remembered. "Scooby party night. You should come along."
It had to be the invite he'd been waiting for, but now Riley looked awkward. "Are you sure? I wouldn't want to make Buffy uncomfortable, or be the fifth wheel."
"No fifth wheels," Xander said. "Right now we're a unicycle club. I don't think Willow's looked at a guy since Oz left."
"You're dating, though, aren't you? The blonde" - he frowned - "brunette… the blonde girl?"
Xander indicated the room. "Observe this boat."
"A boat," Riley repeated, looking at the crappy chairs, the old TV, the kids' area that Xander was convinced was a Hellmouth survival training ground. "Okay."
Willing to go along with an obscure extended metaphor. That was important, and netted him valuable percentage points in the potential Buffy boyfriend stakes.
"It's a fairly crappy liner," he said. "It's popular with insurance salesman and women with the same hairstyles as their dogs. There's twenty-four hour mini golf but only three holes, and there's some kind of weird goo on the bottom of the swimming pool. And if you'll notice, we're in this boat together."
Riley went from confusion to comprehension in only a few seconds, impressive for someone without a lifetime of interpreting Willow-logic to back them up. "You too, huh?"
"Me too," he confirmed. "Anya left town last week. That last close-call with the apocalypse, it scared her." She'd said something about staying friends. Up till that moment Xander hadn't realized they'd never been friends in the first place. Maybe if they had, she would've decided it was worth risking that scary mortality thing, not left the Hellmouth for somewhere safer.
She'd sent him a postcard from Las Vegas. He hoped she was happy.
"You should come with us tonight," he said. "Buffy'd be happy to see you. I think. Probably."
"Really?" He stretched out, resting his arms along the back of the chairs, and Xander was suddenly struck by how much space this guy took up. He didn't seem like he should be so tall. "Did she… mention me over Christmas?"
That just crossed the line of what he could discuss with this not-quite-friend-guy. "Look, Buffy's my best friend and you two have to work this out between you," he said. "Plus, not the first cried-on shoulder for the girliest of girl stuff. But I know there was ice-cream. And she cried when Joyce - Buffy's mom - got us to help her make paper lanterns."
"I showed her how to make those," Riley said, smiling. "I was telling her what Christmas was like when I was a kid."
"That could be it," he said. "Although Joyce was going kind of crazy with the making of the Christmas decorations, so my second guess would be mental breakdown."
"Empty nest syndrome. When my oldest sister went to college, my mom macramed a coat for the dog."
"That doesn't sound so bad."
"It's a really big dog."
"Harris!" It crackled out over the intercom. Xander looked at the counter, a whole five feet away, and waved at Joe. His boss glared at him over the speaker. "Lunch hour was over forty seconds ago. Back to work."
He got to his feet, clearing up his trash as laid down in employee rule number fifteen b, Cleanliness on Breaks. "Listen, I better get back before Joe has another heart attack."
"His name's not really Joe McMeaty," Riley said. "Nobody could be called that. The universe isn't that sadistic or funny."
"Braver men than you and me have asked, my friend, and nobody knows."
"Harris!"
"Anyway," he said quickly. "Tonight. Eight. The Bronze. No wheels of any kind."
Riley broke into one of those flawless, all-American smiles. "Okay. Maybe."
Maybe the cholesterol was finally settling in his brain, because it took another three squawks of his name before he shook off his dazed grin and went back to work.
Title: Zen and the Art of Joe McMeaty's
Author: Doyle
Pairing: Riley/Xander
Rating: PG * hangs head in shame *
Notes: For
zortified for the Choose Your Author ficathon. Season 4, AU after Doomed. Comedy, pretty much. ETA: Kevin has reminded me that I subconsciously stole the name of the burger bar from Invader Zim. Therefore I'll claim it's an homage.There was an art to creating the perfect - or at least edible - Joe McMeaty's double cheeseburger. He'd been an employee two whole weeks, more than enough time to figure how to best enjoy his one free meal per shift. As he slid into the plastic chair opposite Riley, Xander was already ripping open four packets of ketchup with his teeth and separating the meat from the buns. Who said guys couldn't multitask? People who hadn't seen Xander Harris eat, that was who.
"It's not just lunch, it's a slow, horrible death by cholesterol poisoning," he said, squeezing the final trace of ketchup onto the top burger.
Riley's own food - cheeseburger, regular fries and a Mocha McMeaty shake - was still mostly untouched on his tray. It had been pushed around, maybe a couple of fries eaten, but Xander predicted a 'so, you gonna eat that?' in his near future. Riley himself was staring at the Double Burger of Death. "Does it taste… better, like that?"
He took a huge bite and chewed it thoughtfully. "It's all relative. It tastes better than, say, eating one of my shoes, but worse than anything that's actual food."
"Still better than McDonald's," Riley said, adventurously eating another French fry.
Another two bites and Xander's lunch was gone. Now he had no reason, he suddenly realized, to be sitting with his best friend's ex. He flailed. Every conversation opener he could think of, from "so how 'bout them Mets?" to "so I hear you're a secret commando guy, I was kind of in the army one time" kept metamorphosing in his brain to "so Buffy broke up with you, huh? Guess you've been eating here every day this week because you love guys in stripy red polyester. And not because you're hoping she'll visit me at work or anything."
He finally said, "I knew campus food was bad, but when you have to come here…"
Riley's sheepish grin was as depressingly perfect as expected. Straight, gleaming teeth, aw-shucks tilt of his head. "I may have been hoping I'd run into Buffy," he said.
"As opposed to trying to run into her at college," Xander said. "You're right, that could look obvious."
"Absolutely. Not to mention sad and dependent. On that note, I absolutely didn't think that since you're her friend, maybe I could pump you for intel."
"I bet you say that to all the guys who sell you food. You gonna eat that?"
Riley pushed the tray to his side of the table. "Go ahead. I filled up on biological hazards at the dorm."
One advantage of this stuff over real food - it didn't taste much worse cold.
"I've passed this place a bunch of times," Riley said. "From the name, I just always assumed it was a gay porn store."
"Ah, you saw through our cunning front. Videos are in the back, magazines under the counter, and if you slip me a couple of twenties there's a guy called Sven who can repair your TV, deliver your pizza and check your pipes for one low, low price."
"That's quality service."
"The actual gay porno store's the other side of town, just behind the Bronze." The single surviving French fry paused on its mouthward trajectory. "Uh. I've heard."
Riley cleared his throat. "The Bronze. That's a club, right?"
"Yes," he said. Safe subject. "The Bronze club. Club of Bronze things. We've been hanging out there since high school." Ah, nostalgia. Cheating off of Will's homework, meeting Cordelia in the janitor's closet, regular run-ins with the monster of the week. Good times. Funny how much smaller the town had seemed back then. "Hey, we're Bronzing tonight," he remembered. "Scooby party night. You should come along."
It had to be the invite he'd been waiting for, but now Riley looked awkward. "Are you sure? I wouldn't want to make Buffy uncomfortable, or be the fifth wheel."
"No fifth wheels," Xander said. "Right now we're a unicycle club. I don't think Willow's looked at a guy since Oz left."
"You're dating, though, aren't you? The blonde" - he frowned - "brunette… the blonde girl?"
Xander indicated the room. "Observe this boat."
"A boat," Riley repeated, looking at the crappy chairs, the old TV, the kids' area that Xander was convinced was a Hellmouth survival training ground. "Okay."
Willing to go along with an obscure extended metaphor. That was important, and netted him valuable percentage points in the potential Buffy boyfriend stakes.
"It's a fairly crappy liner," he said. "It's popular with insurance salesman and women with the same hairstyles as their dogs. There's twenty-four hour mini golf but only three holes, and there's some kind of weird goo on the bottom of the swimming pool. And if you'll notice, we're in this boat together."
Riley went from confusion to comprehension in only a few seconds, impressive for someone without a lifetime of interpreting Willow-logic to back them up. "You too, huh?"
"Me too," he confirmed. "Anya left town last week. That last close-call with the apocalypse, it scared her." She'd said something about staying friends. Up till that moment Xander hadn't realized they'd never been friends in the first place. Maybe if they had, she would've decided it was worth risking that scary mortality thing, not left the Hellmouth for somewhere safer.
She'd sent him a postcard from Las Vegas. He hoped she was happy.
"You should come with us tonight," he said. "Buffy'd be happy to see you. I think. Probably."
"Really?" He stretched out, resting his arms along the back of the chairs, and Xander was suddenly struck by how much space this guy took up. He didn't seem like he should be so tall. "Did she… mention me over Christmas?"
That just crossed the line of what he could discuss with this not-quite-friend-guy. "Look, Buffy's my best friend and you two have to work this out between you," he said. "Plus, not the first cried-on shoulder for the girliest of girl stuff. But I know there was ice-cream. And she cried when Joyce - Buffy's mom - got us to help her make paper lanterns."
"I showed her how to make those," Riley said, smiling. "I was telling her what Christmas was like when I was a kid."
"That could be it," he said. "Although Joyce was going kind of crazy with the making of the Christmas decorations, so my second guess would be mental breakdown."
"Empty nest syndrome. When my oldest sister went to college, my mom macramed a coat for the dog."
"That doesn't sound so bad."
"It's a really big dog."
"Harris!" It crackled out over the intercom. Xander looked at the counter, a whole five feet away, and waved at Joe. His boss glared at him over the speaker. "Lunch hour was over forty seconds ago. Back to work."
He got to his feet, clearing up his trash as laid down in employee rule number fifteen b, Cleanliness on Breaks. "Listen, I better get back before Joe has another heart attack."
"His name's not really Joe McMeaty," Riley said. "Nobody could be called that. The universe isn't that sadistic or funny."
"Braver men than you and me have asked, my friend, and nobody knows."
"Harris!"
"Anyway," he said quickly. "Tonight. Eight. The Bronze. No wheels of any kind."
Riley broke into one of those flawless, all-American smiles. "Okay. Maybe."
Maybe the cholesterol was finally settling in his brain, because it took another three squawks of his name before he shook off his dazed grin and went back to work.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
on 2004-08-17 01:27 pm (UTC).
.
.
.
.
oooooh, right...
:D
Excellent! :)
no subject
on 2004-08-17 01:30 pm (UTC)Nice place ya got here. Quite enjoy the Xander banter and the Riley grins are perfectly noted. If you don't mind I think I'll hang out for awhile. See if anything else happens. ;)
*smooooch*
no subject
on 2004-08-17 01:38 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2004-08-17 01:36 pm (UTC)I know there won't be but I'm pining for more. :) Thanks.
no subject
on 2004-08-17 01:49 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2004-08-17 01:52 pm (UTC)Your icon is telling me to go and read K/S. Naughty icon.
no subject
on 2004-08-17 02:00 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2004-08-17 02:04 pm (UTC)Hee!
I really like this. Hope it does become a series!
no subject
on 2004-08-17 02:12 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2004-08-17 02:30 pm (UTC)Dude, I felt sort of sad for Xander at the end. This must be continued. It will be, right?
no subject
on 2004-08-17 02:35 pm (UTC)(Also my computer has eaten my H_L update twice. Grr. Hoping third time's the charm.)
no subject
on 2004-08-17 08:45 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2004-08-17 11:34 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2004-08-18 12:28 pm (UTC)no subject
on 2004-08-19 11:25 am (UTC)And oh yes, Riley smiles are lovely.
Thank you very much!!
no subject
on 2004-08-19 11:27 am (UTC)no subject
on 2004-08-19 11:37 am (UTC)Which episode was your fav Riley research ep?
no subject
on 2004-08-19 11:47 am (UTC)