(no subject)

[doyle]

On the night's last sweep of the city, you save Angel's life. He's looking the wrong way, so caught up in the three scaly demons in front of him he doesn't see the one coming at him from the back.

You cut off its head with one sweep of the axe. The blood spatters on your face, your shoes. You don't flinch at much, these days. His own fight finished, Angel stares at you over the bodies and for that second you're sixteen years old and you're sure he's going to kiss you.

"Getting late," he says.

"Early, really." The sun's not an issue, not since it stopped rising.

"We should…" he says, and you say, "yeah. We should."

The hotel is the only building for miles that has a roof and four good walls. Nina found it for the four of you, and Nina's standing in the doorway of the room she shares with Angel, and Nina doesn't even pretend to look at you as they go inside.

Alone in the bedroom next door, you pull the rough army blanket around yourself and try not to listen through the walls.

**

With Spike here, it was okay. You had your guy and Angel had his girl - the girl who was with him the day the world ended, the girl who remembers Wolfram & Hart and Connor and the pieces of Angel that you weren't around to see - and you could pretend you didn't feel your heart squeeze when you saw them together. You promised Spike you weren't jealous and you made yourself smile when you said it, and you put away all those thoughts about he was mine first.

Spike's gone east, looking for survivors. He and Angel and you drew straws - broken matches, really - knowing the others would have to stay behind. Guard the Hellmouth. Try to keep things from getting worse. He's been gone a month, because it was a wolf-moon the night he left (you) and it could be another eight weeks before he gets back (if he comes back).

Full moon with no convenient library cages means you're stuck in the hotel for a night. You wander through the empty rooms, kicking up dust that doesn't make you cough so much, now that you're used to it. You throw yourself onto your bed and think about Angel and try to think about Spike instead. You go to Angel's (Angel-and-Nina's) bedroom door three times before you decide to knock. He opens it before you can.

"Buffy, we can't," he says.

"Can't what? I didn't say anything."

Childish, maybe, but from the look on his face, he knows he's trapped. He takes one step towards you. One and a half.

Drifting up through the broken windows, Nina's howl is lost and lonely.

**

The moon goes down; technically, this black, starless sky is what passes for day.

"Whatever I ate last night, it was nasty," Nina complains, pulling food from the shelves. Your kitchen is an old manager's office. There's no electricity, no gas, and outdoor fires attract demons. Doesn't matter. Most of the canned food can be eaten cold.

Angel and Spike don't use this room. It makes you think of the girl's bathroom at high school, off limits to the male species. For a moment you miss the Bronze so much you could cry.

Nina gathers up soup, tinned fruit. Something that lost the label long ago. She says, "You smell like him. It's all over you." She grabs the can-opener and says, "I'll eat upstairs."

You don't see either of them for the rest of the day. You hear them fighting, or having sex, or both together. When you hear her leave and watch the wolf pad away down the dark street, you go to his room.

It's the second time you've slept with him in forty-eight hours. This time, it finally occurs to you that you're not his perfect happiness any more.

**

"You don't - love her, do you?"

"Do you love Spike?"

"…it's different." Because you're willing to believe that you can love two people but not that he can. Because you don't want to believe he could love someone else the way he loves you.

He turns away. Over his shoulder you can make out the outline of the bookshelf. The day after you all got here Nina found a library in one of the streets where she was scavenging for food. She brought Angel a book by some French guy. She was so excited, talking so fast you couldn't keep up, and it made Angel smile and Spike put a hand on your back just to remind you he was still there.

"It's late," you say awkwardly, wondering how easy it's going to be to find all of your clothes.

"Buffy," he says, hand on your wrist for just a second before he lets you go, "I love you. You know that."

"I know," you say, because you do, because there's nothing else.

**

Maybe it's some kind of slayer sense that wakes you up. Maybe it's just the movement when someone sits next to you on your bed.

"Nina." It must be day, she's human again. The candles are out and you squint against the darkness. "Are you… okay?" You're remembering Veruca. Thinking that Nina might be just a girl when she's not wolf-shaped but there are some pretty sharp things down in the weapons chest.

"God, you're covered in him." She laughs, running her hands over the blanket. "I can see it. It's like this for a couple of hours after I change. Seeing, smelling, it's all the same thing."

Slowly, carefully, you sit up. "Nina, I'm sorry."

"I don't know how this works with, with touch, or taste," and she's lifting your arm and there's not enough time to think that she's going to bite you before her tongue touches your wrist. "You do. You taste like Angel. Wow."

She finds your mouth in the dark, no fumbling or missed aim; you'd kill for that kind of night vision. She tastes like copper, smoke from the fires outside; it's enough like Angel that you don't pull away.

The floors in this place creak. You hear Angel coming long before he opens the door. Your hand's already stretched out to him, and there's enough light to see Nina's feral smile.

Comments

[kita0610.livejournal.com]

Dude that was cool. And cruel. Very well done.

You once said you weren't interested in writing for a living. You really ought to re-consider that, because it's become apparant that you can write anyone well.

[monanotlisa.livejournal.com]

::lifts hand::

Utterly and completely seconding this motion.

[kindkit.livejournal.com]

This is wonderful. Taut and spare and bleak. The emotional apocalypse here, the devastation left behind by the things these characters have done to one another, is just as grim and powerful as the actual apocalypse they're dealing with.

It's the second time you've slept with him in forty-eight hours. This time, it finally occurs to you that you're not his perfect happiness any more.

I want to cry reading this, and I'm not even a Buffy/Angel shipper. So very sad.

[valancy.livejournal.com]

I think I love you.

"You don't - love her, do you?"

"Do you love Spike?"

"…it's different." Because you're willing to believe that you can love two people but not that he can. Because you don't want to believe he could love someone else the way he loves you.

I could *feel* them saying this. I believed it, in that "I saw this, didn't I?" kind of way.

She finds your mouth in the dark, no fumbling or missed aim; you'd kill for that kind of night vision. She tastes like copper, smoke from the fires outside; it's enough like Angel that you don't pull away.

The floors in this place creak. You hear Angel coming long before he opens the door. Your hand's already stretched out to him, and there's enough light to see Nina's feral smile.


I didn't see that coming - and it was perfect. Need and fascination - not to mention, *thank* you for not making Nina a one-note character. I'm not even particularly a fan of her; it was just - wonderful to see someone not a main character feel *real*. Just because she could, because you could.

I'm with kita - you should consider writing professionally. This got me. (I've been so happy to run into unbelievably gorgeous fanfic lately. Of which you are part.)

[doyle_sb4.livejournal.com]

*squee* This makes me very happy. I'm a Nina fan, I've just never written her - until a lot of Nina pairings came up for buffyverse1000 and I couldn't resist *g*

[valancy.livejournal.com]

*G* *runs away with your resistance*

[midnightsjane.livejournal.com]

Wonderful. Bleak, gripping and believable. Somehow there will always be a connection between Buffy and Angel, no matter where their lives take them, at least in my view of them. Moving on, but not. You write so well.

[raskazzptitsa.livejournal.com]

Excellent - dark and delicious, sad and almost-sweet.

[vylit.livejournal.com]

I am crushing on you so hard right now. I just thought I should let you know.

With Spike here, it was okay. You had your guy and Angel had his girl - the girl who was with him the day the world ended, the girl who remembers Wolfram & Hart and Connor and the pieces of Angel that you weren't around to see

It's painful, and it aches, and it's so damn probable.

Childish, maybe, but from the look on his face, he knows he's trapped. He takes one step towards you. One and a half.

I can see all of this in my head, and it hurts in the best way.

[makd.livejournal.com]

VERY nice. I like the sadness and jealousy that Buffy has, because she wants so badly, to be be the center of BOTH men's lives, and she isn't the center of either one's really.

She told Angel to move on - and he did - to Cordy, then to Nina. And Spike? Spike's become independent, all the while caring about her.

[leni-ba.livejournal.com]

oh wow. sexy, kinda wrong and not at all what I expected, only 100 times better.

[ailise.livejournal.com]

She was so excited, talking so fast you couldn't keep up, and it made Angel smile and Spike put a hand on your back just to remind you he was still there.

This was perfect - in so many ways.

Your hand's already stretched out to him, and there's enough light to see Nina's feral smile.

Poor Spike.

[doyle_sb4.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And since there was an Angel/Nina/Spike request there's likely to be a version of this where it was Buffy who had to leave the other three, so Spike will get some action yet *g*

[a2zmom.livejournal.com]

The fact that you conveyed so much emotion in so few words just floors me. The bleakness of the world they find themselves in, the connection between Angel and Buffy that just won't ever die, the silences that seem to weigh on all the characters (including the silence of Spike - very much a presence here even when he's gone.) I keep meaning to friend you, so I'm off to do so.

[carlyinrome.livejournal.com]

That was fucking brilliant. The sensory images are very sharp, very vivid, and all the characters are perfect.

I'd love to archive it at B&H (http://cornflake-girl.org/honey/), with your permission; that's some of the best Buffy I've read in a long time.

- Carly

[doyle_sb4.livejournal.com]

Please do! Oh, I'll have to make up a title now... *g*

[m-phoenix.livejournal.com]

Wow. That was wonderfully done. Bleak and sad and taught. You painted a picture of the post apocolyptic world, and the relationships the four charcters had with eachother in that situation, so easily and vividly. The ending was absolutely right, gave me chills, and now I'm wondering what kind of relationship the three of them might forge.

I heartily second what kita said.

[http://users.livejournal.com/wisteria_/]

This is such a fascinating premise, and as usual, you've written it beautifully. Thanks for sharing!

[rainkatt.livejournal.com]

Yeah. (another intelligent comment...) But. Yeah.

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

I found this because glossing highly recommended it (okay, she gushed) and she was *so* right. This is, for me (a sloppy B/A shipper) perfect B/A and I must now beg you for permission to archive it at my site!

Perfect post-apocalyptic world, perfect mixture of heat and sorrow and longing and darkness. Despair. Yowza. I could feel the lovely dread crawl up my spine as I read through the brief but beautiful B/A exchanges.

Just gorgeous. Let me know if I can put it up in Sublime B/A.

[doyle_sb4.livejournal.com]

*bounce* Thank you! I'd love it to be archived. Since I'm on a Ginsberg kick, it's called 'Howl'. If you need any more headers, let me know.

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for permission.
What rating would you give it?
And do you have a site I can direct people to?

[evil-little-dog.livejournal.com]

Sent her by Leni and I have to say, as usual, you've done a lovely piece of work. You always, always have such lovely images.

Just love the whole POV; Buffy seems so terribly lonely and Spike even more so. Wonder what might happen should he return.

BTW, "Howl" is my best friend's favorite poem. She quotes it at odd moments.

[dodyskin.livejournal.com]

This is glorious. I love it.

[marenfic.livejournal.com]

I'm putting together an archive for future fics and I'm wondering if you'd let me archive this.

The archive is at www.consummatelove.com/futureverse.htm

[doyle_sb4.livejournal.com]

Ooh! Great idea for a site, I love futurefic. Go ahead and archive.

[marenfic.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Oh, and I hope you get your Buffy/Gwen muse back because I love where you started with that fic.

[bashipforever.livejournal.com]

Wow, this was so dark and devestating it hurt to read. I don't usually read threesomes for various reasons and especially not threesomes with Buffy and Angel in them but this came via the futureverse list as a rec and was summarized in such a way that it made me curious. You did an excellent job writing this. Now I must go find some BA fluff before my poor little BA heart just *dies*

Wonderful job

[voleuse.livejournal.com]

Oh! This is such a neat fic, and I love what you do with Nina.

[helygen.livejournal.com]

I'm another fervent B/A 'shipper and I do not like my OTC to share! I understand the Spike/Cordy/Nina relationships, but that's about it. I rarely read threesomes, for various reasons, and have never been inclined to read one involving Buffy and Angel until now.
But this just blew me away. It's so atmospheric, you've nailed the characters, and I feel like I've watched it on screen. I love it, and I want more!
Thankyou for sharing :)

[doyle_sb4.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you!