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As promised, The Connorbeast's as-it-happens review of Ground State, described to me on MSN messenger and transcribed here. Warning for supreme bitchiness about characters who are not Connor or Wesley.
A disclaimer that despite the TWOPiness that sometimes pervades this, the CB loves the show (oddly enough) and is mightily upset at the thought of no fifth season.
Credits. Vincent is on screen. Very happy, so very happy
Gunn, Fred and Angel are talking about something that's not Connor, Blah blah blah. Fred's crying about something that not Connor.
Now it'a commercial. No Connor yet blah blah buy this blah why is Sky doing this to me? I want Connorvision. Dammit.
Commercials still on
Look, Sky, everyone is watching this show for Connor. If you want more viewers show pretty pics of him instead of commercials.
(Me: what colour is the sky in your world?
Him: Connor.)
Ad for Enterpise. No Connor yet, dammit.
Wes's on now. Still no Connor. Wes very cool, hot with axe and blood and unshaven. Angel talking to him. Blah Blah Blah stuff not to do with Connor Blah Blah Blah blah
Angel: I'm fat and like donuts. Blah blah blah we're okay.
Wes: I'm hotter than you, get more sex and I'm geting married to the girl from American Pie blah blah blah. Nothing to do with Connor, unfortunately
Angel still on TV. No Connor yet, damn them. Just some demon.
Angel's looking for Cordelia. Angel, you idiot, look for Connor instead! They both begin with C, it's close enough. Why is the demon wearing a wedding dress from a Charles Dickens novel? Move with the times, demon lady.
Ohh, Gwen on screen! She's wearing red leather, obviously bad ass then. Look at her badass Faith version 2.0 self. Just thought of spin off: Faith Idol. Kennedy and Gwen fight it out for the title of Faith-a-like.
Gwen to bad man of week: Blah blah blah not Connor related don't care blah yes I like donuts. Gwen walks off.
Look, it's C....... Cordelia. Fuck. Ohhh look, the skinny one just drew a penis. Sorry, Fred just drew a penis. Idol my ass.
Gunn, please collect your axe and move in with Wes, you'd make the hotter couple.
Fred: I can't draw and am a bitch for electrocuting Connor last week.
Gunn: Fred, I know I have no chemistry with you but WES.......MMMMM.
Angel: Girl pretty. Donuts good. Me no brain work.
Where the hell is Connor?!
Look, that clever voiceover effect is in use. You know, the one they never use. Angel talks, Gwen does. Like a strange puppet show
Wes and Lilah are having sex. Not porn at all: good family viewing. So, major question here - who's luckier, WES or LILAH? Dear god, TV sex shouldn't be this hot . I feel dirty. Only thing make this hotter were if Wes was fucking Connor. But with the power of my imagination, he is.
Look at Wes screw Connor. I mean Lilah. (I mean Connor.)
Now more commericals. Blah blah blah hair dye. No Connor yet. 25 minutes and counting and still no Connor. Title sequence was just Mutant Enemy teasing me. Need more Connor on TV. When is sky going to give me Connorvsion? Or the Angel spinoff "Connor: Porn Star in Training."
Now Gwen on screen. Bored. No badass leather. She's losing points on Faith Idol for this, powers or no powers. If Simon Cowell was here he'd slap her down for this.
Ohh Angel (I lost my soul, poor me. Wait, I have it I'm just dumb and like donuts). Fred having funny prison line. Apart from the Wes/Connor sex scene - I mean Lilah ( I mean Connor) - this the high light of this ep.
Faith 2.0 is talking to the fat one. Sorry, Angel.
(Me: he's not fat... he's put on a few pounds since BtVS but it's just next to Fred...
As a very skinny smug person, he ignores me)
How the fuck... okay as a non-physics person, please tell me how she just did that. What does electricity have to do with green light sensors? Is she a human mirror as well?
(Me: electricity and magnetism are part of the same force.)
My ass they are. Oh, now Gunn and Angel talk to the bad lady Faith 2.0, no leather pants whatsoever.
Now Gwen ("I've lost my cool pants") has killed Gunn ("I've lost my edge"). No Gwen, don't do it! Don't save him! His character's dead already, let him physically die! Or give him to Wes.
Ooooohhhhhhhh! Connor's on. Hello. And now an essay on why Connor is hot, starting with the hair.
Connor has hair. It is very pretty. It's dark brown. He has a stupid dad. He should be screwing me or Wesley. Connor is very pretty. Connor can walk. And talk...
Lilah's talking, as is Angel. This is taking away from my Connor time. Damn them. Poor Connor has to sleep on streets because his deadbeat dad is looking for sex with a bleach blonde tramp.
No, I am not talking about Buffy or Spike (mmm, Spike), talking about Cordy here. Bad hair, girl, really bad hair.
Ohh, Fred's lost it. Always knew she was a psycho.
Let me count the reason Fred is crazy:
1. She lived in cave for five years , can't be good for anyone.
2. She read weird books that sent her to another dimension - why, Fred, why? (Yes, I know but don't want to spoil it for those who haven't see as far as we have)
3. She's from Texas, same state as George W. Bush.
4. She electrocuted Connor (BITCH!!!!)
5. She chose Gunn over Wesley. (!)
So, choosing Gunn over Wes and the Connor electrocution are my main reasons why Fred is the evil chicken girl of Angel and should be killed.
Gwen's fighting the dumb one (Angel). She's winning points for kicking his ass. Faith Idol continues. Okay, bad sex-like "look, Angel's heart has started!" scene
Angel just said the C word... Cordelia. Damn you, Mutant Enemy.
(me: hey! I love Cordy.)
I know, but she's not Connor. Okay, bad man of week just went back on his deal with Gwen. So the bad man is evil? I'm shocked. Who knew those crazy Angel writers could think of such a plot twist.
Gwen insults Angel - more points for her, then. Bad man on phone, very not interesting. Gwen dying of gas poisoning or Angel's aftershave, one of the two.
Gwen and Angel out of the trap elevator. They fight bad man's people. Poor bad man, two more payments and they were his. Gwen's been hit by lightning 14 times - reason number one why the Brownies didn't take her camping.
For god's sake Angel do up your shirt before Gwen turns. (Gay, that is, not into a vampire. The gay thing would win her points on Faith Idol, however)
Okay, now Angel knows where Cordy is. Poor Angel. Cordy had the keys to the donut cupboard. Heartbreaking Angel speech. Yep David, act, attaboy. Try, David. Please? If Sarah Michelle Gellar can kinda do it (LINE!) so could you.
So Cordy is in Heaven (I'm shocked) and she hates it. Well, if I was stuck up there with Joyce (mother of Dawn and Queen of Denile) and Maggie Walsh, I'd want out too.
And that concludes the Angel live wire. Overall review: not enough Connor. Where is he? If the Angel writers don't want him in an episode give him to MEEEEEEEE! Or Wes and let us watch.
A disclaimer that despite the TWOPiness that sometimes pervades this, the CB loves the show (oddly enough) and is mightily upset at the thought of no fifth season.
Credits. Vincent is on screen. Very happy, so very happy
Gunn, Fred and Angel are talking about something that's not Connor, Blah blah blah. Fred's crying about something that not Connor.
Now it'a commercial. No Connor yet blah blah buy this blah why is Sky doing this to me? I want Connorvision. Dammit.
Commercials still on
Look, Sky, everyone is watching this show for Connor. If you want more viewers show pretty pics of him instead of commercials.
(Me: what colour is the sky in your world?
Him: Connor.)
Ad for Enterpise. No Connor yet, dammit.
Wes's on now. Still no Connor. Wes very cool, hot with axe and blood and unshaven. Angel talking to him. Blah Blah Blah stuff not to do with Connor Blah Blah Blah blah
Angel: I'm fat and like donuts. Blah blah blah we're okay.
Wes: I'm hotter than you, get more sex and I'm geting married to the girl from American Pie blah blah blah. Nothing to do with Connor, unfortunately
Angel still on TV. No Connor yet, damn them. Just some demon.
Angel's looking for Cordelia. Angel, you idiot, look for Connor instead! They both begin with C, it's close enough. Why is the demon wearing a wedding dress from a Charles Dickens novel? Move with the times, demon lady.
Ohh, Gwen on screen! She's wearing red leather, obviously bad ass then. Look at her badass Faith version 2.0 self. Just thought of spin off: Faith Idol. Kennedy and Gwen fight it out for the title of Faith-a-like.
Gwen to bad man of week: Blah blah blah not Connor related don't care blah yes I like donuts. Gwen walks off.
Look, it's C....... Cordelia. Fuck. Ohhh look, the skinny one just drew a penis. Sorry, Fred just drew a penis. Idol my ass.
Gunn, please collect your axe and move in with Wes, you'd make the hotter couple.
Fred: I can't draw and am a bitch for electrocuting Connor last week.
Gunn: Fred, I know I have no chemistry with you but WES.......MMMMM.
Angel: Girl pretty. Donuts good. Me no brain work.
Where the hell is Connor?!
Look, that clever voiceover effect is in use. You know, the one they never use. Angel talks, Gwen does. Like a strange puppet show
Wes and Lilah are having sex. Not porn at all: good family viewing. So, major question here - who's luckier, WES or LILAH? Dear god, TV sex shouldn't be this hot . I feel dirty. Only thing make this hotter were if Wes was fucking Connor. But with the power of my imagination, he is.
Look at Wes screw Connor. I mean Lilah. (I mean Connor.)
Now more commericals. Blah blah blah hair dye. No Connor yet. 25 minutes and counting and still no Connor. Title sequence was just Mutant Enemy teasing me. Need more Connor on TV. When is sky going to give me Connorvsion? Or the Angel spinoff "Connor: Porn Star in Training."
Now Gwen on screen. Bored. No badass leather. She's losing points on Faith Idol for this, powers or no powers. If Simon Cowell was here he'd slap her down for this.
Ohh Angel (I lost my soul, poor me. Wait, I have it I'm just dumb and like donuts). Fred having funny prison line. Apart from the Wes/Connor sex scene - I mean Lilah ( I mean Connor) - this the high light of this ep.
Faith 2.0 is talking to the fat one. Sorry, Angel.
(Me: he's not fat... he's put on a few pounds since BtVS but it's just next to Fred...
As a very skinny smug person, he ignores me)
How the fuck... okay as a non-physics person, please tell me how she just did that. What does electricity have to do with green light sensors? Is she a human mirror as well?
(Me: electricity and magnetism are part of the same force.)
My ass they are. Oh, now Gunn and Angel talk to the bad lady Faith 2.0, no leather pants whatsoever.
Now Gwen ("I've lost my cool pants") has killed Gunn ("I've lost my edge"). No Gwen, don't do it! Don't save him! His character's dead already, let him physically die! Or give him to Wes.
Ooooohhhhhhhh! Connor's on. Hello. And now an essay on why Connor is hot, starting with the hair.
Connor has hair. It is very pretty. It's dark brown. He has a stupid dad. He should be screwing me or Wesley. Connor is very pretty. Connor can walk. And talk...
Lilah's talking, as is Angel. This is taking away from my Connor time. Damn them. Poor Connor has to sleep on streets because his deadbeat dad is looking for sex with a bleach blonde tramp.
No, I am not talking about Buffy or Spike (mmm, Spike), talking about Cordy here. Bad hair, girl, really bad hair.
Ohh, Fred's lost it. Always knew she was a psycho.
Let me count the reason Fred is crazy:
1. She lived in cave for five years , can't be good for anyone.
2. She read weird books that sent her to another dimension - why, Fred, why? (Yes, I know but don't want to spoil it for those who haven't see as far as we have)
3. She's from Texas, same state as George W. Bush.
4. She electrocuted Connor (BITCH!!!!)
5. She chose Gunn over Wesley. (!)
So, choosing Gunn over Wes and the Connor electrocution are my main reasons why Fred is the evil chicken girl of Angel and should be killed.
Gwen's fighting the dumb one (Angel). She's winning points for kicking his ass. Faith Idol continues. Okay, bad sex-like "look, Angel's heart has started!" scene
Angel just said the C word... Cordelia. Damn you, Mutant Enemy.
(me: hey! I love Cordy.)
I know, but she's not Connor. Okay, bad man of week just went back on his deal with Gwen. So the bad man is evil? I'm shocked. Who knew those crazy Angel writers could think of such a plot twist.
Gwen insults Angel - more points for her, then. Bad man on phone, very not interesting. Gwen dying of gas poisoning or Angel's aftershave, one of the two.
Gwen and Angel out of the trap elevator. They fight bad man's people. Poor bad man, two more payments and they were his. Gwen's been hit by lightning 14 times - reason number one why the Brownies didn't take her camping.
For god's sake Angel do up your shirt before Gwen turns. (Gay, that is, not into a vampire. The gay thing would win her points on Faith Idol, however)
Okay, now Angel knows where Cordy is. Poor Angel. Cordy had the keys to the donut cupboard. Heartbreaking Angel speech. Yep David, act, attaboy. Try, David. Please? If Sarah Michelle Gellar can kinda do it (LINE!) so could you.
So Cordy is in Heaven (I'm shocked) and she hates it. Well, if I was stuck up there with Joyce (mother of Dawn and Queen of Denile) and Maggie Walsh, I'd want out too.
And that concludes the Angel live wire. Overall review: not enough Connor. Where is he? If the Angel writers don't want him in an episode give him to MEEEEEEEE! Or Wes and let us watch.